Monday, October 20, 2008

Meet the Budget Gnomes

Meet Tax and Spend. They are the little magic gnomes that help John McCain with his math.

Tax is a cranky little guy who isn't happy with the way things are going in this country. He's not afraid to say things that will upset people. He's angry. Some might call him a... what's the word again... oh yes... a maverick. When people tell him his ideas don't make sense or that he's got his facts wrong, he rolls his eyes and turns pink. Sometimes he's trying so hard not to curse he has to write his nasty thoughts down with a fat black marker and then throw the paper away. If he gets really frustrated he might accuse you of being a terrorist (or just friends with one), but he knows that's not nice and eventually he'll take it back.

Spend is a helpful gnome, he wants to help you (especially if your name is Joe and you are a Plumber or you're just someone who likes to drink 6 cans of beer). He knows times are tough and you people on Main Street and in small faraway towns in Alaska are worried about your families and your jobs. He'll give you nice sounding vague thoughts on how he wants to help you, but more often he's going to tell you how he thinks somebody else wants to hurt you and take away your money (even when it's not true). He can be a little mischievous and crafty even though he looks nice. He's a maverick too! Isn't he sweet?

Tax thinks the government spends too much money. He wants to freeze all spending except for stuff like defense (he likes guns and he knows a pretty northern girl who likes them too). He wants to lower taxes (be careful though because he never says he's going to lower your taxes, but somebody's taxes will be lowered). He's not going to waste your money on silly things like the environment or education. What do you need with police and firemen and nurses and teachers and childcare and social services anyway - you're tough, you can take care of yourself! Tax thinks you're a maverick too!

Unlike Tax, Spend likes the environment. He supports alternative fuels like Clean Coal Technology and Nuclear Energy (he can even pronounce it correctly). You'll find he's not clear on how he's going to pay for the research, but if somebody in the private sector wants to fund it he's going to be really super supportive! And if that doesn't work out he'll find some money to pay for drilling off our coasts. Because he cares about stuff! In fact, he cares about you so much he's going to give you some money toward your health insurance (so you don't have to worry your little heads about it). It might not be enough, but he thinks it will solve the problems with health care in our country. He's got other plans too, but you'll have to look them up on his website (or you can just watch the nice people on Fox News and learn everything you need to know).

So everyone can stop worrying now, (doggone it!) Tax and Spend are here to save us! They're really good at making math really confusing so you don't have to bother to try to figure it out. They're going to sort our government right out. They know how to make soup from a stone AND a mountain from a molehill. We'll be alright! You all can stop complaining and go back to drinking your lattes (Tax and Spend like lattes too, but shhh don't tell 'kay?).


  1. You're going to market those budget gnomes, right? Here, I have a ready-made business plan for you:

    1. Knit more budget gnomes.
    2. ???
    3. Profit!

    It needs a little work, but I think there's something there.

    Seriously, though, Budget Gnomes are BoingBoing-worthy. Please tell me you're going to spread their love across the interwebs! You could make so many more (matching Bernanke/Paulson gnomes? C'mon, that's a 'bout an Alan Greenspan uber-gnome...or maybe a Milton Friedman one...the potential is near-limitless!)

  2. Katie, You're a genius! This is a riot. and I love the person's comment referencing South Park's Underpants Gnomes. This made my day.

  3. Brilliant! I agree with the others, this is too good to end here.

  4. This is tooo darn funny and so well said, er, written. The gnomes are brilliant! If it's all right with you, I'd like to link to this page from my blog, Rhymes With Bacon, where I'm running a McPalin Limerick contest. Which you are most welcome to enter, of course. Costs nothing, winner takes all.

    thanks for the laughs!